hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
