He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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