just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
