She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
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im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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