And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
