Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
