a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
