I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
