I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
