so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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