Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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