Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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