I just threw up on my dentist
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
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Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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