woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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