I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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