I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
