On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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