i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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