Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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