I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
