i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
