So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
