im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
third nipple confirmed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
