I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
