Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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