even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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