How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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