when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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