I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
