I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
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this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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