Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can tuck mytits in my pants
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
