My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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