Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
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Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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