I'd wear matching sweaters with you
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
