i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
