She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
