I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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