What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
