I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
