ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
