anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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