afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
