The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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