Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize