you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
