he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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