He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
