I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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