I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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