Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize