I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
