I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
