If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
