I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
