david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hippo gnu deer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
