we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
