Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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